A few nice relationship advice images I found:
The Gift of Fear
Image by Earthworm
An expert in the prediction and management of violence offers some intriguing advice on clues that inform our intuition plus a pant load of insights into human psychology. I’ve read quite a bit on developing intuition lately, but this is the first book that demystifies that gut feeling and then proceeds to highlight actual real world indicators that likely informed that bit of intuition including persistent thoughts, nagging feelings, anxiety, curiosity and humor i.e. "I’m going back to my office before the bomb goes off". (This in response to a suspicious package delivered to a workplace.)
The details of case study after case study makes the reading a bit sinister, but the insight gleaned from these real world cases is extremely informative and provides a mental toolkit for analyzing dicey situations. The author’s message is that we spend too much time with wasteful worrying that ends up obscuring actual useful information in real time. He shows us how to use real fear, that pit of the stomach dread, to investigate and take precautions. Details are provided from debriefings with victims of violent crimes.
He deconstructs how criminals use human psychology to disarm their victims by taking liberties from the first hello that might appear friendly, but are actually meant to solicit a human response by being inappropriately familiar. The use of forced teaming to put you in same boat with him, loan sharking—offering help that puts you in his debt, giving too many details to make a story sound true, making unsolicited promises meant to put you at ease, typecasting to force you to prove otherwise and refusing to take no for an answer.
There is also good evidence of how violence is unintentionally escalated by victims who take the wrong precautions for their particular perpetrator. Getting a restraining order, for instance. This does nothing to actually protect the victim; it’s just a piece of paper that makes it easier for police to categorize a case once they are called on the scene, but it will likely insult the aggressor and provoke him to escalate. Likewise the carelessness and avoidance with which difficult employees are handled.
There is also quite a bit of insight into the criminal mind; how the misplaced emotions of unresolved injuries done to them as children plays into their interpretations of events as adults. All this says volumes about how the treatment of children (or mistreatment) is a crucial component of a civil society. He also adds his own experience from his childhood pertaining to domestic abuse. He covers all the scenarios of public violence from the work place, to teens at school, to date rape and stalking, to assassinations, (but not terrorism). He points out that criminals have much the same emotions of human need as everyone else and are not particularly unusual so should not be treated as wackos because that will just turn the interaction into a war.
He also has quite a bit to say about how media perpetuates violence, both the news type and the entertainment variety. The first gives perpetrators a chance to be a star at critical events and appearances of celebrities. While the entertainment industry perpetuates the roles that men should be persistent and women should play hard to get and not know how to say no and mean it. Then there is the violent imagery in the music industry. Chilling case study of a couple of teens emulating certain heavy metal band. As for video games, he does not take the usual stand that they promote violence, but emphasizes that they take the place of time spent with other people learning relationship skills.
This book was recommended to me following my telling of being betrayed by grifters who rented from us. It helped me analyze why I chose to use certain tactics in order not to escalate the situation rather than demanding justice. It also showed tactics I used to get them to team up with me in restoring those houses as if I was offering a partnership. Because I know they had hopes too, that I would provide work for them. And by being overly familiar with them and treating them like family, I perpetuated that teaming. But I was not aiming to commit violence. I just wanted them to act responsibly and they weren’t up to that.
The book also gave me more material to ponder regarding the developing of intuition as a real world skill rather than a relationship with spirit helpers. This is a secular view, but it does not discount developing a relationship with spirits as a way to highlight knowledge gained through intuition. One of my shaman workshop mates also mentioned the book and said it helped her to see her intuition at work.
Image by stacya
Dinner and wine at Navarre (10 NE 28th Ave, Portland, OR) with my favorite professor, Dr. Sue Poulsen, PhD. The place was small but comfortable with tastes of France and Spain, using many local ingredients. Such a terrific night. Dr. P is retiring from teaching, but looking at other interests to spend her time.
We discussed to importance of cognitive belief that we will live long, health lives. I also asked about her past and advice on relationships, as I feel like I’m at a crossroads. I once believed that I’d have been married and with children at this age, but now I’m wondering how that may fit into my future. She ended the night by holding my hand, and us both tearing up as she said, "I know we don’t see each other often enough, but I always felt comforted that you were in the city. I’ll miss you now that you’re leaving."
The day she strolled in to teach me Urban Communication, made taller with heels (which is what she always wears on the first day of class), she changed my life. She helped me apply, get into, and graduate from my Masters in communication program. Thank you, Dr. P. I love you.
I can only hope that she’ll continue to travel and I may see her again somewhere else, as I don’t see myself returning to Portland.